To Think About

Christmas and other exciting Out Of The Ordinary occasions are not as large a problem for us as they are for many similar (and probably dissimilar) households.  For that I am grateful.  My kids take after me in that if you warn them that they need to be flexible , they can do that for you.  In my house, my mother always teases me about that.

My retort:  The spontaneity will commence at 0800 hours!

Har, har.  I know.  But I still think it's worth a giggle.

What we usually have noteworthy trouble with is the first day back into the regular schedule.  I count both today (Boxing Day) and the first day back at school in that category.  The true difference lies in the fact that I am here to keep a handle on things today, but not at school.  Therefore, we are doing reasonably well.

There is such a thing as too much togetherness, even for siblings who are best friends.  Yesterday we had a "play in our own rooms" break for about 45 minutes.  It was genius.  I recommend it.  No one was upset and no one was in trouble.  It was just part of the schedule!

My husband has had a touch of trouble with the new book-inspired attitude.  It's the opposite of what you think, most likely.  He's one of those guys who has to try his new toys immediately.  I'm not talking about Christmas to much as the new parenting advice.  He took what didn't need to be anything more than a reminder to Grant, and turned it single-handedly into a fit.  He wanted to pull Grant aside and do all the new stuff that the book (he still hasn't read it) suggest you do to diffuse an emotional bomb.  Instead, he created one.  I caution you if you think you lean that way.  Don't get out the big guns for "getting upset" if all you need to do is say one sentence.  You can tell if you are dealing with a light skirmish, to continue my weapons/battle metaphor.  I had to clean that mess up.  I called him out on it, behind closed doors, and Husband has promised to behave.

 We are off to take down the tree!  Happy Boxing Day to all!

Belated Book Review

I recommend reading Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students: Helping Kids Cope with Explosive Feelings by Christine Fonseca if you have gifted students in your life at all, whether you are teaching them, parenting them, or hanging out with them on the weekends.  Really, I do.

The book is divided into three parts.  The first part identifies what you are dealing with.  This part might be the most fun, and it is definitely the most effort-free, but it is not the most informative.  Those of us who know gifted kids have probably already seen what they are, and what troubles they have.  On the other hand, if someone had handed me this book when I was first told that Grant was having trouble at school, many tears would have been saved.  If you are a teacher, please DO hand books to parents, even if you are unsure the diagnosis is accurate. Knowledge is power, and the main fear in these cases is powerlessness.

The second part of the book describes the re-vamp in your household that is necessary to begin progressing toward your goal of emotional self-control for your child (or student, etc.).  There are worksheets, checklists, and tips provided.  Some of these I am going to use.  Some not.  But I like that they are there, just in case.

The third part of the book gives sample conversations with kids, and shows a better way to get through the conversation.  The idea is to encourage the child to tell his version of the complete story, (without lying out of panic) so that you know what you are and are not dealing with.  Then you hint and suggest the child into saying what the right outcome should be/should have been.

They weren't kidding when they said that the adult has to approach the situation without bringing emotion along.  It's super hard for me.  If you've ever had an in-person conversation with me, you will recall that I am ALWAYS using some sort of emotion.  Usually it's a happy one.  I'm not really the queen of Matter Of Fact.  This is going to be very difficult.  In fact, I'm going to personalize this strategy, and say that I shouldn't bring a negative emotion, and we will see how that works out. 

One thing that I still am concerned about:  Introversion vs. Extroversion.  All sources I've come across, including this one, describe introversion and extroversion in an "or" relationship.  Sadly, I am neither/both.  I am an introverted extrovert.  Or an extroverted introvert.  I can re-energize in both basic ways.  And now I am directed to two different directions from which Grant could be approached.  It is emphasized how important choosing the correct one is.  So...which is he?  I tried to ask him, but that didn't work, because he can't decide.  He likes to be with people.  I notice that he does a lot of solitary playing....but is that because he prefers solitude or because those particular games appeal to him?  GAH!  So I think I am going to ask the school counselor what she thinks...

Abbie is an extrovert.  She follows me around when she is bored.  If that's not an indication, then I present exhibit A:  She is always surrounded by a million kids when she's at school.  Noisy ones.

Husband and I spoke in depth about the book for the first time last night.  He typed up a plan.  Apparently, he has to see stuff.  (I notice that this does not include reading the book, which I ended up reading sections of aloud to him.  And going to bed extra late.  Meh.  Exhausted.)  Now, we will see what he does about the plan.  [insert raised eyebrow here]

Just in case you were curious, the book does not, in fact, address the situation of Second Brilliant Child Syndrome, which I made up a few weeks ago.  I will have to either keep looking, or figure that one out myself.  Maybe if we can get these kids actively learning more often, this will clear up on its own. 

Please send someone to buy my house.  I am armed against the world, and am ready to see it.

Baby Steps

Lately, Grant has been claiming that he can't remember anything bad happening at school, even though the communication from the teacher says otherwise.  Today I asked him if he would prefer to tell me in writing.

When Grant was just starting second grade, he used to write me apology letters for doing something wrong in school.  I found it irresistibly adorable.  Stuff like:  "Dear Mommy, I was talking today and had to move my clip down.  I am very, very, very, very sorry!  Love, Grant"  Isn't that sweet and cute?

I asked if he would like to do that again, and he said yes.  We will see if he actually goes through with it.

Trying to implement a few ideas from the book.  For instance - trying to get my husband to recognize that most of his parenting is done with a side of anger, even if it's not the scary explosive kind.

So far the holidays aren't getting the better of us.  Both of the kids' performances yesterday were snowed out.  Sadly, they were already dressed and ready when we found out about the piano and violin recital.  I guess it was fate, but I was unable to contact my parents and tell them of the cancellation.  Therefore, we had a small recital for them in my living room.  The playing was mediocre, but the reception was supportive.

I love my parents.

Wishing you sweet, happy moments!  Hugs!

One More Thing

TEARS OF JOY!

I have picked the school district I want to move to.  Just had a talk regarding their gifted program.  Their attitude toward gifted kids is so considerate and appropriate.  They KNOW.

First real good news in months.  I am now ready to move.

Fireside Chat, Minus Fire

Hi. 

Lately, I have been near hysterical at any given moment, but today I am getting stuff done, and my outlook has improved.  I thought it might be nice just to talk to you for a minute.  You know, while I eat my 5th yogurt.  (Hey - I never said I wasn't still stressed out!)

So.  A little more about my kids:

Abbie has always been a mystery.  She doesn't perform on demand.  Some babies, out of sheer desire to impress, will answer all your questions and promptings.  Abbie was not that child.  For all I knew, her mind was a permanent blank.  Then, one day I was engaged with Grant and just happened to glance up at the play pen while a DVD I had in was showing the letters of the alphabet, set to classical music.  Abbie said all the letters except j and q.  Her age: 14 months.  Please note that she said the letters, but not to me.  That was the moment when I realized that there was plenty going on inside Abbie's mind, but not much being communicated.  And she had no desire to change that.

"Nope.  Not telling."



 

Grant I knew was thirsty for knowledge.  And I assumed he was smart, even if not to the extent he has been proven to be.  I probably did wrong, here, but when I saw that he was starting to read before kindergarten, I neither encouraged nor prevented it.  I was petrified that he would resort to being a trouble maker if he was bored in kindergarten.  He was already hard to keep still.  So I would read, and let him read when he wanted... 

By the way, if you want your children to like books - be seen with one at all times.  My kids think books are cool because they saw me being excited about books when they were toddlers.  And I'm one of those people who giggle when I read.  Or cry.  All the stuff.  Sometimes, I even fight with the author or characters.  "Don't do it!  Don't  you dare!  ...I can't believe you did that.  That was a terrible idea.  ...See?  I told you not to do it."  Books are our friends.

Another thing about Knowing and Grant is this:  I call him my Baby Engineer.  If you recall, I am from an engineering university town.  Grant is a type, and it's a type I recognized.  One that I am comfortable with.  One that I love.  But I am not calling him an engineer because I want him to be one.  I could care less what he does, professionally, so long as he can support himself and is happy.  I call him that so he will know that he has peers.

When you are told that your child is having trouble with the other kids at school, and that he is unhappy (and has been for MONTHS and no one told you), and has been making wild statements about killing people, your imagination immediately goes to the worst possible images:  Your child shooting at random at the top of buildings, or walking up to some student who has long forgotten what unkind remark he or she made and hurting him/her in some way.  Your child blowing up buildings while inside them.  Your child committing suicide alone in his room.  Your child standing next to you and you not knowing that he wants to die or to kill or that his heart is breaking...or broken.

I wanted there to be a place in his mind that remembered that if he is patient, he can go somewhere and be surrounded by people that are similar.  A different kind of classmate.  Classmates who understand.  I wanted him to be able to look around and say, "Ah, yes.  Those are my people."

"Yay, robots!"

 

Grant and Abbie are going to perform solos in a musical recital on Saturday.  It's their first time performing.  Poor Grant was given a very hard song to learn and perfect.  He has told me he is nervous.  Abbie has been given a song she already knew, and one that she has advanced past.  We are not particularly worried about her.  I have to work Saturday morning, but will leave early in order to meet them at their concert.  I really need this to be a positive experience, but it seems like luck is against us in the details, at least for Grant. 

Cross your fingers for us.

Blue Monday

Hello, all 4 of you!  Or was it three?  (Love you, Friends!)

I am still here, and still focusing on solving the problems my kids are facing.  It's on my list.  My list, however, is no small thing.  Let me explain:

Changing jobs.  Well, I hope.  There is a lot of pressure for me to get a different and better job, and to not work on Saturdays anymore.  Ever.  Trying to accomplish that.

Changing homes.  Another hope, but more realistic now that we have a realtor.  We have been painting and packing and making this house very, very NOT my home anymore - with no future location yet in sight.  I might be a little stressed out about that.  My dishes.  My books.  They are mostly in boxes.  Or they are on the table waiting to be.  So very upsetting.

Changing schools!  This is a pipe dream in my mind.  Since we have found no house, we have no school district to research.  So I will have to look into all the districts we are considering to find which one suits us best.  But can it PLEASE wait until after Christmas?

Christmas.  The good and the bad.  The Ho, Ho, Ho and the Bah, Humbug.  It is approaching at top speed, like an avalanche.  My Brother arrives the 21st.

Anyway, back to the problem at hand:

Grant has been doing much better at school.  Abbie has had a substitute, so it is hard to determine.  She hasn't been kicked off the buss, though!  Although, to be honest, there has been a substitute there, too...

Anyway, I am at the part in the book where they explain what needs to be done.  It is one of those Revamp Your Life, Family and Parenting Style kind of solutions.  As I feared, some of it I am already doing, and some of it I could predict.  A main point is to find out what sends us off the deep end as parents (no advice once we know.  I think we're meant to suck it up) and not become emotional when parenting.  Then, find out what sends the kid off the deep end, and try to teach him/her what it feels like to be starting the Mt. Vesuvius process, so he or she can respond when you say the code word that means, "Hey, you are about to explode.  Don't."

Also, there are lots of checklists and surveys that the whole family is supposed to fill out.  Family meetings are involved.  Not easy for a mom who was trying to solve the problem without putting it in the spotlight.  I've been thinking about it, and I intend to use the move as the alleged motivation for a change.  New house.  New rules and stuff.

Wow.  Is that the time?  I have to go buy Josh's Christmas presents and pay bills.  And pack more of my beautiful china away.

Wishing you good health, happiness and clear road conditions!

A Little Unexpected

The first section of the book deals with identification, and promises suggestions in the last section.  I really  have had barely any free seconds since it came, but if you think that has stopped me, you have never seen me with a book.  I am on Chapter 5.

I was really expecting to see a lot about gifted kids, and possibly would recognize Grant in some of them.  Instead, the first few pages brought both kids to mind, and the further I read, the more often I saw myself identified as well.  That was a little creepy, let me tell ya'.  Apparently, I have a very strong emotional memory.  It's the motivation behind my sentimental packrat-ing.  Which I knew.  I just didn't know that everyone else's memory wasn't like that.

This author doesn't think that I'm dealing with anxiety disorder.  Disorders are diagnosable, and medicate-able.  The idea is that something needs to be supplemented.  Not so with us.  What Grant is experiencing (according to this author) is not an anxiety disorder, but anxiety.  In it's original, natural, and home-grown form.  Medicine would not necessarily help.  I'm relieved to hear that, too.  I'm shy of medicine.  My mother always told me that we must, "play Life in the uniform you were issued."  Until the kids' struggle with their emotions prevent their classmates from learning, I will avoid meds.  However, I acknowledge that this is a very real possibility in the no-so-distant future.

I am beginning to be hopeful that this is the right book for Grant.  Abbie, on the other hand, is going to be less easy.  There is an example of a kid who is not stimulated by school, and therefore does not put in the effort until one day when he can't keep up, and then he just writes school off completely.  Um...yes, Abbie is skating by with perfect scores and minimal inconvenience to herself (can't be bothered to stop talking and listen), but it has zilch to do with the style of teaching.  She has ALWAYS been like that.  Why answer the question when Grant can do it for her?  Why remember something when she can just ask Grant?  I think she has Second Brilliant Child syndrome.  I just made that up.  It's when the second child is so smart that he/she realizes that the other smart kid can do all the difficult parts.  If the book comes up with a solution for that, I will be deeply impressed.

So...reading!  And so far, so good.

Book!!!

Is here.  On page 20.  More later.

Off to work!!

Book?!

WHERE IS THAT BOOK?

No tracking info for my delivery.  Naturally.  I'm like the person in the movie who has terrible luck.

Grant's bad day continued yesterday.  In the morning, he shoved his desk angrily into his neighbors desks without provocation.  He refused to do his journal writing, and sat with his head down.  Later, he yelled, "STOP IT!" to his amazing teacher from last year because she said she liked his haircut in the hallway.  In the afternoon, he was assigned a partner for a paired activity, and....(seriously, wouldn't you know it?) it was the one kid in the class he has had real animosity from and toward.  So he screamed and yelled and wouldn't do it.

The teacher wrote all of this to me.  I wrote her back that she was going to later regret allowing him to refuse her.  I did not add that I would probably regret it, also.  I suggested that next time she have him give up recess time to do anything he refused to do when it was assigned.

Thanks, Lady, for teaching him that it is not necessary to comply with authority.  Awesome.

I made him write an apology to his former teacher - in cursive. 

If I weren't broke, there is someone I would like to send chocolates to today.  She just found out that she has not one, but two kids who are gifted and have ADHD.  I wring my heart for those who discover that their fears are to be realized.  At least, this being her second, she knows the path, and is not out there discovering it alone.  Subliminal hugs on 3.  Ready?

1.
2.
3.
<3

Book, book.  Need the book.

My kids have never been tested for any of that.  I'm pretty sure Grant suffers from serious anxiety.  No idea about the rest.  I am curious.  I wonder how much it costs...

And where's that BOOK!
 

Expect

Grant usually does fine for holidays and emergencies, and I think that has everything to do with expectations.  The routine must and will be different. 

Before Thanksgiving, I had to pick up some family members with car trouble.  No tension from the kids during any of that.  Then, Thanksgiving.  No major problems (one minor one involving a game of dominoes) all day!  When we came home, we prepped the upstairs and painted half of it.  No problems!

This morning?  Get ready for School.  Nope.  Can't handle it.

Grant wanted so hard to fight with someone.  He was upset on the inside and really, REALLY needed a reason to make it outward.  Why?  No idea, really, but I'm sure it was tied to routine on some level.  He was horrible to Abbie, and then picked a fight with me, too.  There was anger, there were tears...he was determined not to have a happy morning.

Luckily, I was able to pull him out of it by telling him a little about my friend Danny's running blog.  For someone who thinks he is interested in running, this is good stuff.  To be honest, it's good stuff even if you aren't interested.  Danny shows us exactly how tough one person can be.  How much love and appreciation we can have for friends and supporters.  How you can pull yourself out of the depths and achieve.  Plus, it's about running.  Exactly what we needed.

Speaking of Grant and running, his training exercise with Josh was a complete failure, if you'll recall.  He tried to trip his own father, called him names...all the worst things he does.  Well, I stepped in.  Saturday, Grant and I did a little pre-training.  We stretched, and I talked about each stretch and how it can help us toward our goal, and how to do it to maximize these results.  Then - we walked.  We talked about which parts of running were benefited by aerobic walking.  We talked a little about circulation and heart rate, and a little about breathing.  And we walked.  We walked briskly, but stayed together.  We talked about pacing and how Grant's goal for his next 5k is to be more even in his pace.  And we talked about running. 

Me:  In a 5k, who are you competing against?
Grant: Myself.
Me:  Right. You want to see if you can do better, faster, or both.  Do the other runners have anything to do with that?
Grant: No.
Me:  That's right.  So what should your feelings for them be?
Grant:  Nothing.
Me:  I don't agree.  They are your companions.  They are your running friends.  You want them to make their goals, too, right?  So you should be helping them, right?  If you see someone who looks tired, what do you say?
Grant:  Keep going!
Me: RIGHT!

It's a start, but I see that I am going to have to be in charge of Grant's training.  Maybe it will be good for me...

I'm expecting that book in the mail any day now.  It was actually supposed to be here Saturday...

I am so afraid that it will show up, and not tell my anything I don't already know.  So, so afraid.  I have hanging all my hopes on help from without, since what I've been doing isn't enough.

This morning was rough, but hopefully we can still have a good day.