Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Wednesday....so, not a pattern after all.
Another horrible evening. Worst so far, maybe. I think we tried to many different tactics. I explained things, Husband gave "strikes", we added physical exercises to the "strikes" so Grant ended up doing push-ups. Then, Husband went back to treating him the age he acted, but I think it was far too late to expect improvement. He brushed Grant's teeth anyway. It was like new parents with an infant. How do you make it stop screaming?!?
Why did this happen? Grant asked Abbie if she wanted to play a second game with him. She said no thank you, she would rather read. Yes, that was it. From that moment, he was hell bent on having an explosion. I pointed this out, and recommended he not end the day that way. So, he threw himself on the floor instead of preparing for bed time. I told him that if he had that much free time, maybe he would be so kind as to vacuum the living room.
Fit, of course.
So, so spoiled. My latest theory is that all of this research is nice and all, but the problem is that I have a spoiled child. He knows what he should do. He is somehow being allowed to not do it. I just have to figure out where that is happening and stop it. I've already decided that Grant and Abbie are about to have fewer choices. No asking what they want for dinner. No asking what movie they want to watch. It isn't fair to treat people like they get to be in charge and then expect them not to feel the same way.
No, if you'll excuse me, I am going to my room to cry. A lot.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Week, Weekend, Grant's 5K
First, the 5K!
Placement: 52/273 runners
Run Time: 28 minutes, 43 seconds
Yay! All goals were met. He walked less, ran better and also improved his time. Yay for my little runner! We had bananas and bagels for breakfast before the run. My parents were in town especially to see him. Afterward, we had deli sandwiches from Poppy J's. Grant and Abbie both requested tuna salad sandwiches. The rest of us had tri-tip. They serve it on white with Swiss cheese and horseradish mayo. SO YUMMY! The only thing that can improve upon it is a giant slice of tomato, but Husband forgot to ask.
Thursday was bad. Grant woke up in a fighting mood. We have recently told him that he needs to act his age, or we will treat him like the age he is behaving. Thursday morning I put his socks and shoes on for him. He didn't like that one bit. I also made him hold my hand as we walked to the car. I told him to stop something - or we weren't going - as we were getting in the car, and I could see it in his eyes that he didn't believe I meant it. To no one's surprise, he tried to see if I would notice the offence if it were quieter. So I sent him to school with Husband instead. At school, he reportedly flipped his desk in a fit of rage. Strangely, he was not sent to the counselor or anything for that. The bad day continued until a very early bedtime. LONG day.
The next bad day, sadly, was Saturday after the run. My parents had left, and Grant was refusing to practice his music. (Meaning that he was sitting there slouching, or playing older songs that weren't on the lesson, or just messing around. He was hoping that I would later buy it when he said he'd practiced. Not so much.) I could see him trying to work up a spectacular tantrum, so I just gave him a choice:
"Grant, you have a choice. You can act like 9-year-old boy and get this done and out of the way, or you can pitch a fit. If you get it done, you will have free time afterward. If you pitch the fit, I will send you to bed right now. You get to choose."
He chose fit. I bet he doesn't next time, though. It was only 1:30 and I really did make him lie down the rest of the day. What really got me, though, was that he was still trying SO, SO hard to manipulate my feelings. The pathetic, "Mommy, can I please have a hug???" was enough to make me sneak away to my own room and cry. Mean kid. It's my fault, though. When he was little I always promised myself that he would be allowed a hug - even if he was bad. Now he uses it to make me cry. On purpose. I guess I should have known better.
Fortunately, he has been fine since. Well...to my knowledge. He "forgot" the infamous purple behavior notebook today.
Abbie forgot her lunchbox, but her classroom door was still open, so we went and got it. She forgot to do three of her homework problems, and did another two completely wrong, because she guessed what the directions were. Very sloppy attention. I had her fix the homework.
But today is a good day. Music practiced. Homework done. Everyone in a decent mood. I will take what I can get.
Placement: 52/273 runners
Run Time: 28 minutes, 43 seconds
Yay! All goals were met. He walked less, ran better and also improved his time. Yay for my little runner! We had bananas and bagels for breakfast before the run. My parents were in town especially to see him. Afterward, we had deli sandwiches from Poppy J's. Grant and Abbie both requested tuna salad sandwiches. The rest of us had tri-tip. They serve it on white with Swiss cheese and horseradish mayo. SO YUMMY! The only thing that can improve upon it is a giant slice of tomato, but Husband forgot to ask.
Thursday was bad. Grant woke up in a fighting mood. We have recently told him that he needs to act his age, or we will treat him like the age he is behaving. Thursday morning I put his socks and shoes on for him. He didn't like that one bit. I also made him hold my hand as we walked to the car. I told him to stop something - or we weren't going - as we were getting in the car, and I could see it in his eyes that he didn't believe I meant it. To no one's surprise, he tried to see if I would notice the offence if it were quieter. So I sent him to school with Husband instead. At school, he reportedly flipped his desk in a fit of rage. Strangely, he was not sent to the counselor or anything for that. The bad day continued until a very early bedtime. LONG day.
The next bad day, sadly, was Saturday after the run. My parents had left, and Grant was refusing to practice his music. (Meaning that he was sitting there slouching, or playing older songs that weren't on the lesson, or just messing around. He was hoping that I would later buy it when he said he'd practiced. Not so much.) I could see him trying to work up a spectacular tantrum, so I just gave him a choice:
"Grant, you have a choice. You can act like 9-year-old boy and get this done and out of the way, or you can pitch a fit. If you get it done, you will have free time afterward. If you pitch the fit, I will send you to bed right now. You get to choose."
He chose fit. I bet he doesn't next time, though. It was only 1:30 and I really did make him lie down the rest of the day. What really got me, though, was that he was still trying SO, SO hard to manipulate my feelings. The pathetic, "Mommy, can I please have a hug???" was enough to make me sneak away to my own room and cry. Mean kid. It's my fault, though. When he was little I always promised myself that he would be allowed a hug - even if he was bad. Now he uses it to make me cry. On purpose. I guess I should have known better.
Fortunately, he has been fine since. Well...to my knowledge. He "forgot" the infamous purple behavior notebook today.
Abbie forgot her lunchbox, but her classroom door was still open, so we went and got it. She forgot to do three of her homework problems, and did another two completely wrong, because she guessed what the directions were. Very sloppy attention. I had her fix the homework.
But today is a good day. Music practiced. Homework done. Everyone in a decent mood. I will take what I can get.
Monday, April 21, 2014
HUGS!
Note: A smiley good morning hug BEFORE chores instead of after makes a very, very, very, very, very big difference.
Smooch your gifted psychomotor asynchronously developed friend today!
Friday, April 11, 2014
Uplifting
Don't you love this weather? I do.
The kids are doing pretty well. Not that I've seen Grant's infamous "notebook" lately. He forgot it on Wednesday, and I don't read it Tuesday and Thursdays because I don't come home until 11pm.
Grant had cold symptoms this week that seemed nominal, but he and I both had completely sleepless nights Monday and Tuesday night, due to his relentless coughing. I got him some cough syrup and Wednesday night we both slept. I expected really bad days on Tuesday and Wednesday from him, but didn't get them. He seemed to handle no sleep pretty well. What does that mean? Is he sleeping too much normally? No...that's not one you hear about kids. Maybe he was just too tired to worry about the stuff that sets him off? Must think about this.
Later. :P
Yesterday I was at a performance rehearsal, but Grant was recognized by the school board for getting 80% or better on his Evaluate tests all year long. I have the certificate. It's about time I got a call from the school that wasn't stressful!
The kids will go to summer school there until late June. Then I am going to try to have them go to a private school for the second session. If anyone would care to donate funds so that I can do that year-round, that would be great.
No one wants to buy my house. I'm starting to fear that the kids will still be at this school in the fall.
But I will think about that tomorrow at Tara.
So, the new counselor that moved into my work building doesn't take children unless it is under the category of Family Counseling. Must find plan C.
Wishing you a wonderful weekend!
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Still going, I guess.
Sorry it's been so long. In my own defense, I did begin a post a few days ago, but was interrupted. This is going to be somewhat Stream Of Consciousness, as far as post styles go:
We've been having a rocky month. Some days I feel like I have two moody 14 year old girls. Some days I feel like I have two toddlers. And the rest of the time, I feel like I have a moody 14 year old girl and a toddler. They are perfectly pleasant when everything is going their way, like all truly spoiled people.
Yes. They are spoiled.
I stayed home with my children very deliberately. I didn't want whatever problems they ended up with to be untraceable. I even said it out loud, "I want all their imperfections to by MY fault, not the fault of some stranger." Those of you who know how susceptible to guilt I am are probably rolling your eyes right now. Yes, I am reaping what I have sown. Problems caused by me. And it hurts.
Last week, We had such a bad day that the kids were late for school. I actually sent Grant back to bed! Not that he rested. He spent the whole time screaming.
This week, Grant didn't have a very good week, but it wasn't consistently bad. It was a roller coaster. Up, then down, then up, then down... He was very good at his music lesson for the first time in about a month. Thursday was so bad that I'm surprised that I didn't get another email from the school.
Yesterday, when Grant had a rough moment, I talked to him about telling people that he needs a second, and then taking two big breaths in while clenching muscles in his shoulders and arms and hands, then letting the breaths and the tension out. Then, he can take 4 Darth Vader breaths, just for fun, and then continue with whatever he was doing before. The goal is to keep him from running away every time he is upset.
Then we went to the grocery store. Back came the whiny Grant. Back came the Grant who backs away from us, like we are about to tackle him or throw him in a dungeon. It's humiliating for us, the parents, to have him do that in public. And I didn't realize until we were on our way home that I should have immediately taken him out to the car - just like you do toddlers who misbehave in the store. But the concept is still in the foreground of my brain.
Right now, Grant and Abbie are in their rooms, reading quietly. We should be at a friend's house enjoying great food and dear friends, and happiness and fun. But I warned them when they got up this morning that we would only go if they worked hard at their chores and didn't argue or be angry or wild. I'm starting to think they've had too many chances in life. Time for them to remember that I also mean it. So, Husband goes to the party, and we stay home. I made the most boring dinner I could think of, and now they are in their rooms for the night, even though it isn't 5 yet.
Husband thinks we should all start doing tai chi. I don't know how that is going to fit into our schedule, but I'm for it...I guess. I mean, I always wanted to do it. I just can't picture trying in the company of two potentially sulky or wild children, and two super-interested dogs underfoot.
I should probably take this moment to mention that my husband doesn't think it is the right moment for sending Grant to be evaluated for mental problems. It is stressful to not be on the same page about this, but it isn't my money to spend.
It is also stressful to be told by the piano teacher EVERY WEEK that Grant has ADD and should be on medication. She even goes so far as to tell me the names of agencies that I should be contacting. And of course she tries to "make it okay" by saying that she was ADD herself. This I doubt. I'm not saying that she wasn't diagnosed that way, but I've seen adults who lived their lives with ADD and ADHD and they have a "way" about them. She is apathetic and sedentary and doesn't remind me a BIT of those other adults. And another thing. It's minor, I know, but the truth is.....he's MY kid.
His teacher is still a problem, and I am anxious for the end of the school year. I should have switched his homeroom teacher. I thought about it a long time ago. Want to know why I didn't? Don't laugh, but there is a little girl in that class who is the sweetest, nicest kid in the whole grade, and she is friends with Grant. They are even reading partners. That's why. I just couldn't take him away from a good little soul like that, even if it meant the worst teaching influence he could have ended up with. Am I a bad mom? It's not just that he considers her a friend. It's that she considers him one.
Sniffle.
I had to send this to the counselor last week:
"The overall situation is that Grant finds it easier and more satisfying to control everyone else, rather than put in the effort to control himself. He has been manipulating people emotionally, and sometimes in the extreme. For instance, he has discovered that if he pitches a HUGE fit, people will practically knock each other over trying to calm him down. He enjoys this. He says very hurtful things, especially from a mother's perspective, such as, "No one cares about me." I had to hear about that second hand, though. To date, he has never said anything like that to me. Recently, he even threatened to hurt himself, just to upset my husband. The thing is.....he doesn't know in his conscious self that he enjoys negative attention and manipulating people. I mentioned it to him for the first time this week. He rejects it, of course.
In a way, it would be best if I could parent him as Spock - all logic, no emotion. (Okay, well, I know Spock had secret emotions. Pretend he didn't.) I just haven't mastered it, yet. I didn't make things better this morning. I think he knew that he was upsetting me.
I know those attention getting mis-behaviors are for affect, and are not "real". I am TERRIFIED, however, that they might become real if not addressed. I am trying, trying and trying to do this myself, but am also researching having him evaluated. I don't even know what for. The sensory issue? (He can't think straight for about 40 seconds after unexpected loud sounds.) I don't think he really has ADHD. I think it's something else. Mostly, I want him to be coached by someone who isn't me, since he doesn't follow my advice, on appropriate reactions (need) and conversation skills (want). Do you happen to know what I should be looking for? Also, if a recommendation from a school official might help my insurance cover this, I might be coming to speak to you about it."
I am extra sorry for implying that you guys weren't helpful in my last post. Even after reading the above, the counselor has nothing to say.
Anyway, I still wish my kids could spend the summer working hard on a farm. That would be great. Especially since the reality is that I just filled out paperwork to have them go to summer school in the same school district that I am trying so hard to escape.
I really could cry.
We've been having a rocky month. Some days I feel like I have two moody 14 year old girls. Some days I feel like I have two toddlers. And the rest of the time, I feel like I have a moody 14 year old girl and a toddler. They are perfectly pleasant when everything is going their way, like all truly spoiled people.
Yes. They are spoiled.
I stayed home with my children very deliberately. I didn't want whatever problems they ended up with to be untraceable. I even said it out loud, "I want all their imperfections to by MY fault, not the fault of some stranger." Those of you who know how susceptible to guilt I am are probably rolling your eyes right now. Yes, I am reaping what I have sown. Problems caused by me. And it hurts.
Last week, We had such a bad day that the kids were late for school. I actually sent Grant back to bed! Not that he rested. He spent the whole time screaming.
This week, Grant didn't have a very good week, but it wasn't consistently bad. It was a roller coaster. Up, then down, then up, then down... He was very good at his music lesson for the first time in about a month. Thursday was so bad that I'm surprised that I didn't get another email from the school.
Yesterday, when Grant had a rough moment, I talked to him about telling people that he needs a second, and then taking two big breaths in while clenching muscles in his shoulders and arms and hands, then letting the breaths and the tension out. Then, he can take 4 Darth Vader breaths, just for fun, and then continue with whatever he was doing before. The goal is to keep him from running away every time he is upset.
Then we went to the grocery store. Back came the whiny Grant. Back came the Grant who backs away from us, like we are about to tackle him or throw him in a dungeon. It's humiliating for us, the parents, to have him do that in public. And I didn't realize until we were on our way home that I should have immediately taken him out to the car - just like you do toddlers who misbehave in the store. But the concept is still in the foreground of my brain.
Right now, Grant and Abbie are in their rooms, reading quietly. We should be at a friend's house enjoying great food and dear friends, and happiness and fun. But I warned them when they got up this morning that we would only go if they worked hard at their chores and didn't argue or be angry or wild. I'm starting to think they've had too many chances in life. Time for them to remember that I also mean it. So, Husband goes to the party, and we stay home. I made the most boring dinner I could think of, and now they are in their rooms for the night, even though it isn't 5 yet.
Husband thinks we should all start doing tai chi. I don't know how that is going to fit into our schedule, but I'm for it...I guess. I mean, I always wanted to do it. I just can't picture trying in the company of two potentially sulky or wild children, and two super-interested dogs underfoot.
I should probably take this moment to mention that my husband doesn't think it is the right moment for sending Grant to be evaluated for mental problems. It is stressful to not be on the same page about this, but it isn't my money to spend.
It is also stressful to be told by the piano teacher EVERY WEEK that Grant has ADD and should be on medication. She even goes so far as to tell me the names of agencies that I should be contacting. And of course she tries to "make it okay" by saying that she was ADD herself. This I doubt. I'm not saying that she wasn't diagnosed that way, but I've seen adults who lived their lives with ADD and ADHD and they have a "way" about them. She is apathetic and sedentary and doesn't remind me a BIT of those other adults. And another thing. It's minor, I know, but the truth is.....he's MY kid.
His teacher is still a problem, and I am anxious for the end of the school year. I should have switched his homeroom teacher. I thought about it a long time ago. Want to know why I didn't? Don't laugh, but there is a little girl in that class who is the sweetest, nicest kid in the whole grade, and she is friends with Grant. They are even reading partners. That's why. I just couldn't take him away from a good little soul like that, even if it meant the worst teaching influence he could have ended up with. Am I a bad mom? It's not just that he considers her a friend. It's that she considers him one.
Sniffle.
I had to send this to the counselor last week:
"The overall situation is that Grant finds it easier and more satisfying to control everyone else, rather than put in the effort to control himself. He has been manipulating people emotionally, and sometimes in the extreme. For instance, he has discovered that if he pitches a HUGE fit, people will practically knock each other over trying to calm him down. He enjoys this. He says very hurtful things, especially from a mother's perspective, such as, "No one cares about me." I had to hear about that second hand, though. To date, he has never said anything like that to me. Recently, he even threatened to hurt himself, just to upset my husband. The thing is.....he doesn't know in his conscious self that he enjoys negative attention and manipulating people. I mentioned it to him for the first time this week. He rejects it, of course.
In a way, it would be best if I could parent him as Spock - all logic, no emotion. (Okay, well, I know Spock had secret emotions. Pretend he didn't.) I just haven't mastered it, yet. I didn't make things better this morning. I think he knew that he was upsetting me.
I know those attention getting mis-behaviors are for affect, and are not "real". I am TERRIFIED, however, that they might become real if not addressed. I am trying, trying and trying to do this myself, but am also researching having him evaluated. I don't even know what for. The sensory issue? (He can't think straight for about 40 seconds after unexpected loud sounds.) I don't think he really has ADHD. I think it's something else. Mostly, I want him to be coached by someone who isn't me, since he doesn't follow my advice, on appropriate reactions (need) and conversation skills (want). Do you happen to know what I should be looking for? Also, if a recommendation from a school official might help my insurance cover this, I might be coming to speak to you about it."
I am extra sorry for implying that you guys weren't helpful in my last post. Even after reading the above, the counselor has nothing to say.
Anyway, I still wish my kids could spend the summer working hard on a farm. That would be great. Especially since the reality is that I just filled out paperwork to have them go to summer school in the same school district that I am trying so hard to escape.
I really could cry.
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