Sorry it's been so long. In my own defense, I did begin a post a few days ago, but was interrupted. This is going to be somewhat Stream Of Consciousness, as far as post styles go:
We've been having a rocky month. Some days I feel like I have two moody 14 year old girls. Some days I feel like I have two toddlers. And the rest of the time, I feel like I have a moody 14 year old girl and a toddler. They are perfectly pleasant when everything is going their way, like all truly spoiled people.
Yes. They are spoiled.
I stayed home with my children very deliberately. I didn't want whatever problems they ended up with to be untraceable. I even said it out loud, "I want all their imperfections to by MY fault, not the fault of some stranger." Those of you who know how susceptible to guilt I am are probably rolling your eyes right now. Yes, I am reaping what I have sown. Problems caused by me. And it hurts.
Last week, We had such a bad day that the kids were late for school. I actually sent Grant back to bed! Not that he rested. He spent the whole time screaming.
This week, Grant didn't have a very good week, but it wasn't consistently bad. It was a roller coaster. Up, then down, then up, then down... He was very good at his music lesson for the first time in about a month. Thursday was so bad that I'm surprised that I didn't get another email from the school.
Yesterday, when Grant had a rough moment, I talked to him about telling people that he needs a second, and then taking two big breaths in while clenching muscles in his shoulders and arms and hands, then letting the breaths and the tension out. Then, he can take 4 Darth Vader breaths, just for fun, and then continue with whatever he was doing before. The goal is to keep him from running away every time he is upset.
Then we went to the grocery store. Back came the whiny Grant. Back came the Grant who backs away from us, like we are about to tackle him or throw him in a dungeon. It's humiliating for us, the parents, to have him do that in public. And I didn't realize until we were on our way home that I should have immediately taken him out to the car - just like you do toddlers who misbehave in the store. But the concept is still in the foreground of my brain.
Right now, Grant and Abbie are in their rooms, reading quietly. We should be at a friend's house enjoying great food and dear friends, and happiness and fun. But I warned them when they got up this morning that we would only go if they worked hard at their chores and didn't argue or be angry or wild. I'm starting to think they've had too many chances in life. Time for them to remember that I also mean it. So, Husband goes to the party, and we stay home. I made the most boring dinner I could think of, and now they are in their rooms for the night, even though it isn't 5 yet.
Husband thinks we should all start doing tai chi. I don't know how that is going to fit into our schedule, but I'm for it...I guess. I mean, I always wanted to do it. I just can't picture trying in the company of two potentially sulky or wild children, and two super-interested dogs underfoot.
I should probably take this moment to mention that my husband doesn't think it is the right moment for sending Grant to be evaluated for mental problems. It is stressful to not be on the same page about this, but it isn't my money to spend.
It is also stressful to be told by the piano teacher EVERY WEEK that Grant has ADD and should be on medication. She even goes so far as to tell me the names of agencies that I should be contacting. And of course she tries to "make it okay" by saying that she was ADD herself. This I doubt. I'm not saying that she wasn't diagnosed that way, but I've seen adults who lived their lives with ADD and ADHD and they have a "way" about them. She is apathetic and sedentary and doesn't remind me a BIT of those other adults. And another thing. It's minor, I know, but the truth is.....he's MY kid.
His teacher is still a problem, and I am anxious for the end of the school year. I should have switched his homeroom teacher. I thought about it a long time ago. Want to know why I didn't? Don't laugh, but there is a little girl in that class who is the sweetest, nicest kid in the whole grade, and she is friends with Grant. They are even reading partners. That's why. I just couldn't take him away from a good little soul like that, even if it meant the worst teaching influence he could have ended up with. Am I a bad mom? It's not just that he considers her a friend. It's that she considers him one.
Sniffle.
I had to send this to the counselor last week:
"The overall situation is that Grant finds it easier and more satisfying to control everyone else, rather than put in the effort to control himself. He has been manipulating people emotionally, and sometimes in the extreme. For instance, he has discovered that if he pitches a HUGE fit, people will practically knock each other over trying to calm him down. He enjoys this. He says very hurtful things, especially from a mother's perspective, such as, "No one cares about me." I had to hear about that second hand, though. To date, he has never said anything like that to me. Recently, he even threatened to hurt himself, just to upset my husband. The thing is.....he doesn't know in his conscious self that he enjoys negative attention and manipulating people. I mentioned it to him for the first time this week. He rejects it, of course.
In a way, it would be best if I could parent him as Spock - all logic, no emotion. (Okay, well, I know Spock had secret emotions. Pretend he didn't.) I just haven't mastered it, yet. I didn't make things better this morning. I think he knew that he was upsetting me.
I know those attention getting mis-behaviors are for affect, and are not "real". I am TERRIFIED, however, that they might become real if not addressed. I am trying, trying and trying to do this myself, but am also researching having him evaluated. I don't even know what for. The sensory issue? (He can't think straight for about 40 seconds after unexpected loud sounds.) I don't think he really has ADHD. I think it's something else. Mostly, I want him to be coached by someone who isn't me, since he doesn't follow my advice, on appropriate reactions (need) and conversation skills (want). Do you happen to know what I should be looking for? Also, if a recommendation from a school official might help my insurance cover this, I might be coming to speak to you about it."
I am extra sorry for implying that you guys weren't helpful in my last post. Even after reading the above, the counselor has nothing to say.
Anyway, I still wish my kids could spend the summer working hard on a farm. That would be great. Especially since the reality is that I just filled out paperwork to have them go to summer school in the same school district that I am trying so hard to escape.
I really could cry.
No comments:
Post a Comment