The Good:
For Spring Break, I took the kids out to lunch at a cool place I know of that serves grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches. Shared a cherry cobbler for dessert. Also for Spring break, we spent yesterday together as a family in Saint Louis. We had lunch at Sweetie Pie's. It was great! Grant had ribs, Husband had fried chicken (they are famous for it), Abbie and I shared fried catfish that made me want to swoon. Everything we touched was delicious, and I had sweet tea. Then, we went to the Museum of Fine Art. A friend of mine met us there, and we had a great day. No unpleasantness. Just a few reminders not to run in the museum, or not to cross the lines, etc. They liked the modern stuff more than I ever will, and the armor and mummy were, of course, great successes. We came home in the evening, watched a little Myth Busters, and went to bed.
The Bad:
Before we left for Sweetie Pie's, the kids practiced music. Grant has emotional trouble with that quite frequently, and yesterday was no exception. I was able to talk him down, though, like I used to. That was a relief. We talked about things that he could do that would help. Ways to think, too. I encouraged him again to endeavor to control himself. He recovered from that pretty well. He also did okay when we had to clean the house quickly for the Realtors the other day. Not great....but okay. And since that it an improvement, I was starting to think things would be okay.
The Ugly:
Violence. From Grant. And saying horrible things. Last night I caught him trying to kick Abbie. He saw me before he made contact. I didn't yell, but I explained that we would stop playing now, because that wasn't acceptable. This morning Grant hit Abbie with a door, and apologized immediately and loudly. I didn't ask what happened, because I didn't want anyone to get attention from it, or learn that waking us up with fights is a good way to get something you want. I set Abbie on the couch and told her that she was fine. I sent Grant to finish his chores. No yelling. Went to explain the situation to Husband. Suddenly, he remembered that a few days ago, Grant threatened to "hurt himself" because "no one cared".
Well, that kind of decides it, doesn't it? Guess I'll start looking for someone to test Grant.
Husband claims he only says it for effect. Of course he does. He learned that from the softies at his school. If you say something horrible, you get loads of attention and people go out of their way to make you feel better. But it needs to be stopped before it becomes something else. And it seems that he won't listen to me. What option is there?
I wonder if we can afford this.
So, I'm done with asking YOU for help. Thanks for....making me fell like I'm at the bottom of a well talking to myself.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
You want a cry for help? How's this: HELP!
It is Spring break for the kids, but not for me. Except today. Today, Husband couldn't work from home, so I made arrangements not to work. I'm not making any money, but I never mind that as much as I probably should.
We've had some serious moments lately. I really am starting to fear that I won't be able to fix what is in the process of going wrong, and that Grant will grow up to be a psycho killer and Abbie will grow up to be useless and unpleasant and shifty.
Grant is that guy. That desperate, panicked, grasping stalker guy. And if this is what he's like when he desires friendship, I am TOO HORRIFIED to even try imagining him in romantic situations.
I'm trying to go into this with at least Less Than Overflowing emotions. I've had several talks. He does know that isn't the right way to behave.
He had a particularly rough day on St. Patrick's Day. You know, Mommies are the bringers of holidays. We take something that is, essentially, just a day, and turn it into more. And then someone else in the family ruins it. That is kind of status quo after everyone is out of the Cute And Innocent stage. Either Abbie won't eat the food I spent all day making, or Husband is being cranky, or..
This time, Grant was just in I Am Cranky And Must Have A Fit mode. Whimpercrying and running away were themes of the day, in terms of my firstborn. For the first time in his life, he was sent to bed without dessert. Not that we have dessert every night, but he's never been sent to bed knowing that there was dessert that everyone else was about to get. In a way, it worked. The next day, he was fine. Plus, after we sent him to bed, the room brightened considerably. (Especially Abbie, who is the original brown noser and wanted to prove her non-fit-ishness and was positively perky.) However, the goal is for him to be able to control himself enough that his removal is not required. Obviously, this did not occur.
I don't see Grant as a gifted student anymore. I see him as a kid with a control problem. He wants too much control of the external, and doesn't try enough for internal control. This is especially painful to admit, because I really want to be focusing on what is positive. It's just that we haven't had much of it that wasn't corrupted with the negative, lately. His playing with Abbie is increasingly inappropriate, too. Too much grabbing. He's starting to make her defend herself, which she does by load complaining, at best. It's bad for both of them.
Should I be calling a children's mental health specialist?
We've had some serious moments lately. I really am starting to fear that I won't be able to fix what is in the process of going wrong, and that Grant will grow up to be a psycho killer and Abbie will grow up to be useless and unpleasant and shifty.
Grant is that guy. That desperate, panicked, grasping stalker guy. And if this is what he's like when he desires friendship, I am TOO HORRIFIED to even try imagining him in romantic situations.
I'm trying to go into this with at least Less Than Overflowing emotions. I've had several talks. He does know that isn't the right way to behave.
He had a particularly rough day on St. Patrick's Day. You know, Mommies are the bringers of holidays. We take something that is, essentially, just a day, and turn it into more. And then someone else in the family ruins it. That is kind of status quo after everyone is out of the Cute And Innocent stage. Either Abbie won't eat the food I spent all day making, or Husband is being cranky, or..
This time, Grant was just in I Am Cranky And Must Have A Fit mode. Whimpercrying and running away were themes of the day, in terms of my firstborn. For the first time in his life, he was sent to bed without dessert. Not that we have dessert every night, but he's never been sent to bed knowing that there was dessert that everyone else was about to get. In a way, it worked. The next day, he was fine. Plus, after we sent him to bed, the room brightened considerably. (Especially Abbie, who is the original brown noser and wanted to prove her non-fit-ishness and was positively perky.) However, the goal is for him to be able to control himself enough that his removal is not required. Obviously, this did not occur.
I don't see Grant as a gifted student anymore. I see him as a kid with a control problem. He wants too much control of the external, and doesn't try enough for internal control. This is especially painful to admit, because I really want to be focusing on what is positive. It's just that we haven't had much of it that wasn't corrupted with the negative, lately. His playing with Abbie is increasingly inappropriate, too. Too much grabbing. He's starting to make her defend herself, which she does by load complaining, at best. It's bad for both of them.
Should I be calling a children's mental health specialist?
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Okay. Now what?
So. Now Abbie suddenly doesn't want Grant to be so dependent on her. Which I can understand. He's over the top. But he isn't really close to anyone else. So I am frustrated with both of them.
Anyone have hints for this one?
I got a call from the Discovery teacher today about it. Apparently Grant said, "I don't think my sister Abbie cares for me at all!"
Guess I'll start with casually mentioning the different ways people show that they care. This is a hard one, especially for the not getting emotional part.
Wish me luck. I'm serious about hints. :(
In other news, both kids are currently healthy and doing well academically. They loved the dog show this weekend, and are excited for the upcoming good weather.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Post Conference
Well, I got myself pretty worked up over that conference. I really did. I got a text from the Discovery teacher, saying that she needed to see me after I was finished talking to the classroom teacher, because the classroom teacher wanted to speak to me alone.
Heart attack? Why, yes.
As it turns out, there was no one thing on the classroom teacher's mind. She just wanted to update me. Instead of going guns blazing, as we all knew I would NOT, I went with an open mind and an intention to listen...but not get walked on. She showed me his scores, which we both knew were not the primary issue, and then we talked about his reading partner, who is a good choice, to the new student who Grant might be a little too much in the face of. She described some of his recent issues, and I found out something important. She is making them worse. I saw an opportunity to correct her, but made the decision not to, which I will explain later. Take this excerpt from the conversation and see if you catch what I did:
"He was shoving his notebook into his desk, but it wasn't fitting, so I said, "STOP IT!!!" and he dropped it on the floor and walked away, but then when I looked up later, it was gone. He made the right choice and put it away."
She might claim she "said" it, but even when telling me, she raised her voice, and if that's how she sounds with a judgmental adult.....I can only imagine what it was during the day. So what I am getting is that she is yelling at Grant, which triggers a fit. And then later after he calms down, he is able to do what he needs to do.
So, why didn't I explain that the yelling was counterproductive? Well, I had a split second to decide, and here are the things I was thinking: 1. The last time I asked for something from this woman, I didn't get it. 2. It is unlikely at this point in her life, career, and schoolyear, that a change is going to happen fast enough to get results, if it happens at all. 3. I don't much want to mess with the dynamic they already have, lest it be noticeable by others and add a new problem. 4. Grant is going to have to deal with people who are less than perfect for him. The idea is that he learn to control himself, not others. 5. There are only 3 months of school left. It is already too late to prevent it, so might as well learn to deal with it.
(Also, what was she doing that she didn't notice when he went and put it away? She forgets that I have worked in classrooms before, and that would be pretty noticeable. Why didn't she see it?)
I mentioned that at home I use my hands when explaining to him. "Grant, your problem is this big (fingers 2 inches apart), but your reaction is this big (hands 2 feet apart)." "Grant, lets take the emotions out (hand pulling something up and away, as if from a box) and deal with them later, and focus on the problem with our brains (hands in focused V shape before myself)." I don't know if she'll do anything with it. I do not have faith. Because of that, there is a wall-type obstacle between my wishes for Grant's future reality and what we can realistically achieve as a group. We are not, in fact, a group. That is the problem.
The other hugely important moment in the conference came when she told me about their new seating arrangement. They way she did it was to give each student a piece of paper and ask them to each write the names of 3 people they wanted at their tables. My heart stopped. I thought, "Oh, my God. She called me here because no one picked Grant." As petrified as I was, I asked. And I was WRONG! Grant was picked by several students. I was very close to crying at that point.
After that conference, I had another one with the Discovery teacher. She has a different problem, and that is the dynamic between my children when they are both in Discovery. Apparently, Abbie is finally starting to come into her own. The Discovery teacher say that she performs "brilliantly" when left to her own devices, but Grant tries to dictate her every move. They are both so stubborn, though, that the result is sometimes comical. One day in particular, they were arguing and drawing the attention of the whole class.
Teacher: "Grant do you think it might be a good idea to choose a new seat?"
Grant: "No thanks. I'm good."
Teacher: "....Okay.....Abbie do you think it might be a good idea if you choose a new seat?"
Abbie: "I always sit here."
The point, I guess, is that even though they were mad, it never occurred to them not to sit next to each other. That's kinda cute.
Since I feel like she is on my team, I expressed my concern about Grant's conversation deficiencies. And I mentioned that Abbie's lack of personal responsibilities is getting extreme. And I expressed excitement at the rumor that they are going to study some languages in the future, but when I did, the idea seemed to be less concrete than I had expected. Oh, well.
Anyone want to buy my house?
On my way out, I stopped by to see Abbie's teacher, too. And picked up a jacket of Abbie's that she had "lost" in plain sight in the classroom. Yeeesh. The teacher apologized with an extremely guilty expression when she showed me that Abbie is now at the back of the room, but I just laughed and said she doesn't need glasses that I know of. Abbie's teacher is super sweet but can't handle her class. It is secretly flattering that Abbie is not up in the front. It means that the teacher has no particular worries about her learning or her behavior.
Today we are having what had BETTER be our last snow day. Good ole Missouri sleet. The snow plow didn't even bother.
The kids have been sent to their own rooms, after some unsuccessful attempts to play according to the house rules: No climbing on each other, No standing or jumping on the furniture, No throwing things in the house, No grabbing, pushing, hitting, kicking or wrestling, No running in the house, No hitting or kicking the walls either in person or with toys, pets, siblings, or other objects.
You get the idea. Apparently, playing checkers is just no fun on a snow day. Gotta throw siblings and toys at the walls while running and jumping on the beds, etc.
Last night we had an extensive steak knife lesson. It made some of us cranky. However, we all still possess all of our digits, and dinner was, eventually, consumed. That's success, right?
Almost lunch time. Thank goodness we are out of steak. ;)
Heart attack? Why, yes.
As it turns out, there was no one thing on the classroom teacher's mind. She just wanted to update me. Instead of going guns blazing, as we all knew I would NOT, I went with an open mind and an intention to listen...but not get walked on. She showed me his scores, which we both knew were not the primary issue, and then we talked about his reading partner, who is a good choice, to the new student who Grant might be a little too much in the face of. She described some of his recent issues, and I found out something important. She is making them worse. I saw an opportunity to correct her, but made the decision not to, which I will explain later. Take this excerpt from the conversation and see if you catch what I did:
"He was shoving his notebook into his desk, but it wasn't fitting, so I said, "STOP IT!!!" and he dropped it on the floor and walked away, but then when I looked up later, it was gone. He made the right choice and put it away."
She might claim she "said" it, but even when telling me, she raised her voice, and if that's how she sounds with a judgmental adult.....I can only imagine what it was during the day. So what I am getting is that she is yelling at Grant, which triggers a fit. And then later after he calms down, he is able to do what he needs to do.
So, why didn't I explain that the yelling was counterproductive? Well, I had a split second to decide, and here are the things I was thinking: 1. The last time I asked for something from this woman, I didn't get it. 2. It is unlikely at this point in her life, career, and schoolyear, that a change is going to happen fast enough to get results, if it happens at all. 3. I don't much want to mess with the dynamic they already have, lest it be noticeable by others and add a new problem. 4. Grant is going to have to deal with people who are less than perfect for him. The idea is that he learn to control himself, not others. 5. There are only 3 months of school left. It is already too late to prevent it, so might as well learn to deal with it.
(Also, what was she doing that she didn't notice when he went and put it away? She forgets that I have worked in classrooms before, and that would be pretty noticeable. Why didn't she see it?)
I mentioned that at home I use my hands when explaining to him. "Grant, your problem is this big (fingers 2 inches apart), but your reaction is this big (hands 2 feet apart)." "Grant, lets take the emotions out (hand pulling something up and away, as if from a box) and deal with them later, and focus on the problem with our brains (hands in focused V shape before myself)." I don't know if she'll do anything with it. I do not have faith. Because of that, there is a wall-type obstacle between my wishes for Grant's future reality and what we can realistically achieve as a group. We are not, in fact, a group. That is the problem.
The other hugely important moment in the conference came when she told me about their new seating arrangement. They way she did it was to give each student a piece of paper and ask them to each write the names of 3 people they wanted at their tables. My heart stopped. I thought, "Oh, my God. She called me here because no one picked Grant." As petrified as I was, I asked. And I was WRONG! Grant was picked by several students. I was very close to crying at that point.
After that conference, I had another one with the Discovery teacher. She has a different problem, and that is the dynamic between my children when they are both in Discovery. Apparently, Abbie is finally starting to come into her own. The Discovery teacher say that she performs "brilliantly" when left to her own devices, but Grant tries to dictate her every move. They are both so stubborn, though, that the result is sometimes comical. One day in particular, they were arguing and drawing the attention of the whole class.
Teacher: "Grant do you think it might be a good idea to choose a new seat?"
Grant: "No thanks. I'm good."
Teacher: "....Okay.....Abbie do you think it might be a good idea if you choose a new seat?"
Abbie: "I always sit here."
The point, I guess, is that even though they were mad, it never occurred to them not to sit next to each other. That's kinda cute.
Since I feel like she is on my team, I expressed my concern about Grant's conversation deficiencies. And I mentioned that Abbie's lack of personal responsibilities is getting extreme. And I expressed excitement at the rumor that they are going to study some languages in the future, but when I did, the idea seemed to be less concrete than I had expected. Oh, well.
Anyone want to buy my house?
On my way out, I stopped by to see Abbie's teacher, too. And picked up a jacket of Abbie's that she had "lost" in plain sight in the classroom. Yeeesh. The teacher apologized with an extremely guilty expression when she showed me that Abbie is now at the back of the room, but I just laughed and said she doesn't need glasses that I know of. Abbie's teacher is super sweet but can't handle her class. It is secretly flattering that Abbie is not up in the front. It means that the teacher has no particular worries about her learning or her behavior.
Today we are having what had BETTER be our last snow day. Good ole Missouri sleet. The snow plow didn't even bother.
The kids have been sent to their own rooms, after some unsuccessful attempts to play according to the house rules: No climbing on each other, No standing or jumping on the furniture, No throwing things in the house, No grabbing, pushing, hitting, kicking or wrestling, No running in the house, No hitting or kicking the walls either in person or with toys, pets, siblings, or other objects.
You get the idea. Apparently, playing checkers is just no fun on a snow day. Gotta throw siblings and toys at the walls while running and jumping on the beds, etc.
Last night we had an extensive steak knife lesson. It made some of us cranky. However, we all still possess all of our digits, and dinner was, eventually, consumed. That's success, right?
Almost lunch time. Thank goodness we are out of steak. ;)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)