To Think About

Christmas and other exciting Out Of The Ordinary occasions are not as large a problem for us as they are for many similar (and probably dissimilar) households.  For that I am grateful.  My kids take after me in that if you warn them that they need to be flexible , they can do that for you.  In my house, my mother always teases me about that.

My retort:  The spontaneity will commence at 0800 hours!

Har, har.  I know.  But I still think it's worth a giggle.

What we usually have noteworthy trouble with is the first day back into the regular schedule.  I count both today (Boxing Day) and the first day back at school in that category.  The true difference lies in the fact that I am here to keep a handle on things today, but not at school.  Therefore, we are doing reasonably well.

There is such a thing as too much togetherness, even for siblings who are best friends.  Yesterday we had a "play in our own rooms" break for about 45 minutes.  It was genius.  I recommend it.  No one was upset and no one was in trouble.  It was just part of the schedule!

My husband has had a touch of trouble with the new book-inspired attitude.  It's the opposite of what you think, most likely.  He's one of those guys who has to try his new toys immediately.  I'm not talking about Christmas to much as the new parenting advice.  He took what didn't need to be anything more than a reminder to Grant, and turned it single-handedly into a fit.  He wanted to pull Grant aside and do all the new stuff that the book (he still hasn't read it) suggest you do to diffuse an emotional bomb.  Instead, he created one.  I caution you if you think you lean that way.  Don't get out the big guns for "getting upset" if all you need to do is say one sentence.  You can tell if you are dealing with a light skirmish, to continue my weapons/battle metaphor.  I had to clean that mess up.  I called him out on it, behind closed doors, and Husband has promised to behave.

 We are off to take down the tree!  Happy Boxing Day to all!

Belated Book Review

I recommend reading Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students: Helping Kids Cope with Explosive Feelings by Christine Fonseca if you have gifted students in your life at all, whether you are teaching them, parenting them, or hanging out with them on the weekends.  Really, I do.

The book is divided into three parts.  The first part identifies what you are dealing with.  This part might be the most fun, and it is definitely the most effort-free, but it is not the most informative.  Those of us who know gifted kids have probably already seen what they are, and what troubles they have.  On the other hand, if someone had handed me this book when I was first told that Grant was having trouble at school, many tears would have been saved.  If you are a teacher, please DO hand books to parents, even if you are unsure the diagnosis is accurate. Knowledge is power, and the main fear in these cases is powerlessness.

The second part of the book describes the re-vamp in your household that is necessary to begin progressing toward your goal of emotional self-control for your child (or student, etc.).  There are worksheets, checklists, and tips provided.  Some of these I am going to use.  Some not.  But I like that they are there, just in case.

The third part of the book gives sample conversations with kids, and shows a better way to get through the conversation.  The idea is to encourage the child to tell his version of the complete story, (without lying out of panic) so that you know what you are and are not dealing with.  Then you hint and suggest the child into saying what the right outcome should be/should have been.

They weren't kidding when they said that the adult has to approach the situation without bringing emotion along.  It's super hard for me.  If you've ever had an in-person conversation with me, you will recall that I am ALWAYS using some sort of emotion.  Usually it's a happy one.  I'm not really the queen of Matter Of Fact.  This is going to be very difficult.  In fact, I'm going to personalize this strategy, and say that I shouldn't bring a negative emotion, and we will see how that works out. 

One thing that I still am concerned about:  Introversion vs. Extroversion.  All sources I've come across, including this one, describe introversion and extroversion in an "or" relationship.  Sadly, I am neither/both.  I am an introverted extrovert.  Or an extroverted introvert.  I can re-energize in both basic ways.  And now I am directed to two different directions from which Grant could be approached.  It is emphasized how important choosing the correct one is.  So...which is he?  I tried to ask him, but that didn't work, because he can't decide.  He likes to be with people.  I notice that he does a lot of solitary playing....but is that because he prefers solitude or because those particular games appeal to him?  GAH!  So I think I am going to ask the school counselor what she thinks...

Abbie is an extrovert.  She follows me around when she is bored.  If that's not an indication, then I present exhibit A:  She is always surrounded by a million kids when she's at school.  Noisy ones.

Husband and I spoke in depth about the book for the first time last night.  He typed up a plan.  Apparently, he has to see stuff.  (I notice that this does not include reading the book, which I ended up reading sections of aloud to him.  And going to bed extra late.  Meh.  Exhausted.)  Now, we will see what he does about the plan.  [insert raised eyebrow here]

Just in case you were curious, the book does not, in fact, address the situation of Second Brilliant Child Syndrome, which I made up a few weeks ago.  I will have to either keep looking, or figure that one out myself.  Maybe if we can get these kids actively learning more often, this will clear up on its own. 

Please send someone to buy my house.  I am armed against the world, and am ready to see it.

Baby Steps

Lately, Grant has been claiming that he can't remember anything bad happening at school, even though the communication from the teacher says otherwise.  Today I asked him if he would prefer to tell me in writing.

When Grant was just starting second grade, he used to write me apology letters for doing something wrong in school.  I found it irresistibly adorable.  Stuff like:  "Dear Mommy, I was talking today and had to move my clip down.  I am very, very, very, very sorry!  Love, Grant"  Isn't that sweet and cute?

I asked if he would like to do that again, and he said yes.  We will see if he actually goes through with it.

Trying to implement a few ideas from the book.  For instance - trying to get my husband to recognize that most of his parenting is done with a side of anger, even if it's not the scary explosive kind.

So far the holidays aren't getting the better of us.  Both of the kids' performances yesterday were snowed out.  Sadly, they were already dressed and ready when we found out about the piano and violin recital.  I guess it was fate, but I was unable to contact my parents and tell them of the cancellation.  Therefore, we had a small recital for them in my living room.  The playing was mediocre, but the reception was supportive.

I love my parents.

Wishing you sweet, happy moments!  Hugs!

One More Thing

TEARS OF JOY!

I have picked the school district I want to move to.  Just had a talk regarding their gifted program.  Their attitude toward gifted kids is so considerate and appropriate.  They KNOW.

First real good news in months.  I am now ready to move.

Fireside Chat, Minus Fire

Hi. 

Lately, I have been near hysterical at any given moment, but today I am getting stuff done, and my outlook has improved.  I thought it might be nice just to talk to you for a minute.  You know, while I eat my 5th yogurt.  (Hey - I never said I wasn't still stressed out!)

So.  A little more about my kids:

Abbie has always been a mystery.  She doesn't perform on demand.  Some babies, out of sheer desire to impress, will answer all your questions and promptings.  Abbie was not that child.  For all I knew, her mind was a permanent blank.  Then, one day I was engaged with Grant and just happened to glance up at the play pen while a DVD I had in was showing the letters of the alphabet, set to classical music.  Abbie said all the letters except j and q.  Her age: 14 months.  Please note that she said the letters, but not to me.  That was the moment when I realized that there was plenty going on inside Abbie's mind, but not much being communicated.  And she had no desire to change that.

"Nope.  Not telling."



 

Grant I knew was thirsty for knowledge.  And I assumed he was smart, even if not to the extent he has been proven to be.  I probably did wrong, here, but when I saw that he was starting to read before kindergarten, I neither encouraged nor prevented it.  I was petrified that he would resort to being a trouble maker if he was bored in kindergarten.  He was already hard to keep still.  So I would read, and let him read when he wanted... 

By the way, if you want your children to like books - be seen with one at all times.  My kids think books are cool because they saw me being excited about books when they were toddlers.  And I'm one of those people who giggle when I read.  Or cry.  All the stuff.  Sometimes, I even fight with the author or characters.  "Don't do it!  Don't  you dare!  ...I can't believe you did that.  That was a terrible idea.  ...See?  I told you not to do it."  Books are our friends.

Another thing about Knowing and Grant is this:  I call him my Baby Engineer.  If you recall, I am from an engineering university town.  Grant is a type, and it's a type I recognized.  One that I am comfortable with.  One that I love.  But I am not calling him an engineer because I want him to be one.  I could care less what he does, professionally, so long as he can support himself and is happy.  I call him that so he will know that he has peers.

When you are told that your child is having trouble with the other kids at school, and that he is unhappy (and has been for MONTHS and no one told you), and has been making wild statements about killing people, your imagination immediately goes to the worst possible images:  Your child shooting at random at the top of buildings, or walking up to some student who has long forgotten what unkind remark he or she made and hurting him/her in some way.  Your child blowing up buildings while inside them.  Your child committing suicide alone in his room.  Your child standing next to you and you not knowing that he wants to die or to kill or that his heart is breaking...or broken.

I wanted there to be a place in his mind that remembered that if he is patient, he can go somewhere and be surrounded by people that are similar.  A different kind of classmate.  Classmates who understand.  I wanted him to be able to look around and say, "Ah, yes.  Those are my people."

"Yay, robots!"

 

Grant and Abbie are going to perform solos in a musical recital on Saturday.  It's their first time performing.  Poor Grant was given a very hard song to learn and perfect.  He has told me he is nervous.  Abbie has been given a song she already knew, and one that she has advanced past.  We are not particularly worried about her.  I have to work Saturday morning, but will leave early in order to meet them at their concert.  I really need this to be a positive experience, but it seems like luck is against us in the details, at least for Grant. 

Cross your fingers for us.

Blue Monday

Hello, all 4 of you!  Or was it three?  (Love you, Friends!)

I am still here, and still focusing on solving the problems my kids are facing.  It's on my list.  My list, however, is no small thing.  Let me explain:

Changing jobs.  Well, I hope.  There is a lot of pressure for me to get a different and better job, and to not work on Saturdays anymore.  Ever.  Trying to accomplish that.

Changing homes.  Another hope, but more realistic now that we have a realtor.  We have been painting and packing and making this house very, very NOT my home anymore - with no future location yet in sight.  I might be a little stressed out about that.  My dishes.  My books.  They are mostly in boxes.  Or they are on the table waiting to be.  So very upsetting.

Changing schools!  This is a pipe dream in my mind.  Since we have found no house, we have no school district to research.  So I will have to look into all the districts we are considering to find which one suits us best.  But can it PLEASE wait until after Christmas?

Christmas.  The good and the bad.  The Ho, Ho, Ho and the Bah, Humbug.  It is approaching at top speed, like an avalanche.  My Brother arrives the 21st.

Anyway, back to the problem at hand:

Grant has been doing much better at school.  Abbie has had a substitute, so it is hard to determine.  She hasn't been kicked off the buss, though!  Although, to be honest, there has been a substitute there, too...

Anyway, I am at the part in the book where they explain what needs to be done.  It is one of those Revamp Your Life, Family and Parenting Style kind of solutions.  As I feared, some of it I am already doing, and some of it I could predict.  A main point is to find out what sends us off the deep end as parents (no advice once we know.  I think we're meant to suck it up) and not become emotional when parenting.  Then, find out what sends the kid off the deep end, and try to teach him/her what it feels like to be starting the Mt. Vesuvius process, so he or she can respond when you say the code word that means, "Hey, you are about to explode.  Don't."

Also, there are lots of checklists and surveys that the whole family is supposed to fill out.  Family meetings are involved.  Not easy for a mom who was trying to solve the problem without putting it in the spotlight.  I've been thinking about it, and I intend to use the move as the alleged motivation for a change.  New house.  New rules and stuff.

Wow.  Is that the time?  I have to go buy Josh's Christmas presents and pay bills.  And pack more of my beautiful china away.

Wishing you good health, happiness and clear road conditions!

A Little Unexpected

The first section of the book deals with identification, and promises suggestions in the last section.  I really  have had barely any free seconds since it came, but if you think that has stopped me, you have never seen me with a book.  I am on Chapter 5.

I was really expecting to see a lot about gifted kids, and possibly would recognize Grant in some of them.  Instead, the first few pages brought both kids to mind, and the further I read, the more often I saw myself identified as well.  That was a little creepy, let me tell ya'.  Apparently, I have a very strong emotional memory.  It's the motivation behind my sentimental packrat-ing.  Which I knew.  I just didn't know that everyone else's memory wasn't like that.

This author doesn't think that I'm dealing with anxiety disorder.  Disorders are diagnosable, and medicate-able.  The idea is that something needs to be supplemented.  Not so with us.  What Grant is experiencing (according to this author) is not an anxiety disorder, but anxiety.  In it's original, natural, and home-grown form.  Medicine would not necessarily help.  I'm relieved to hear that, too.  I'm shy of medicine.  My mother always told me that we must, "play Life in the uniform you were issued."  Until the kids' struggle with their emotions prevent their classmates from learning, I will avoid meds.  However, I acknowledge that this is a very real possibility in the no-so-distant future.

I am beginning to be hopeful that this is the right book for Grant.  Abbie, on the other hand, is going to be less easy.  There is an example of a kid who is not stimulated by school, and therefore does not put in the effort until one day when he can't keep up, and then he just writes school off completely.  Um...yes, Abbie is skating by with perfect scores and minimal inconvenience to herself (can't be bothered to stop talking and listen), but it has zilch to do with the style of teaching.  She has ALWAYS been like that.  Why answer the question when Grant can do it for her?  Why remember something when she can just ask Grant?  I think she has Second Brilliant Child syndrome.  I just made that up.  It's when the second child is so smart that he/she realizes that the other smart kid can do all the difficult parts.  If the book comes up with a solution for that, I will be deeply impressed.

So...reading!  And so far, so good.

Book!!!

Is here.  On page 20.  More later.

Off to work!!

Book?!

WHERE IS THAT BOOK?

No tracking info for my delivery.  Naturally.  I'm like the person in the movie who has terrible luck.

Grant's bad day continued yesterday.  In the morning, he shoved his desk angrily into his neighbors desks without provocation.  He refused to do his journal writing, and sat with his head down.  Later, he yelled, "STOP IT!" to his amazing teacher from last year because she said she liked his haircut in the hallway.  In the afternoon, he was assigned a partner for a paired activity, and....(seriously, wouldn't you know it?) it was the one kid in the class he has had real animosity from and toward.  So he screamed and yelled and wouldn't do it.

The teacher wrote all of this to me.  I wrote her back that she was going to later regret allowing him to refuse her.  I did not add that I would probably regret it, also.  I suggested that next time she have him give up recess time to do anything he refused to do when it was assigned.

Thanks, Lady, for teaching him that it is not necessary to comply with authority.  Awesome.

I made him write an apology to his former teacher - in cursive. 

If I weren't broke, there is someone I would like to send chocolates to today.  She just found out that she has not one, but two kids who are gifted and have ADHD.  I wring my heart for those who discover that their fears are to be realized.  At least, this being her second, she knows the path, and is not out there discovering it alone.  Subliminal hugs on 3.  Ready?

1.
2.
3.
<3

Book, book.  Need the book.

My kids have never been tested for any of that.  I'm pretty sure Grant suffers from serious anxiety.  No idea about the rest.  I am curious.  I wonder how much it costs...

And where's that BOOK!
 

Expect

Grant usually does fine for holidays and emergencies, and I think that has everything to do with expectations.  The routine must and will be different. 

Before Thanksgiving, I had to pick up some family members with car trouble.  No tension from the kids during any of that.  Then, Thanksgiving.  No major problems (one minor one involving a game of dominoes) all day!  When we came home, we prepped the upstairs and painted half of it.  No problems!

This morning?  Get ready for School.  Nope.  Can't handle it.

Grant wanted so hard to fight with someone.  He was upset on the inside and really, REALLY needed a reason to make it outward.  Why?  No idea, really, but I'm sure it was tied to routine on some level.  He was horrible to Abbie, and then picked a fight with me, too.  There was anger, there were tears...he was determined not to have a happy morning.

Luckily, I was able to pull him out of it by telling him a little about my friend Danny's running blog.  For someone who thinks he is interested in running, this is good stuff.  To be honest, it's good stuff even if you aren't interested.  Danny shows us exactly how tough one person can be.  How much love and appreciation we can have for friends and supporters.  How you can pull yourself out of the depths and achieve.  Plus, it's about running.  Exactly what we needed.

Speaking of Grant and running, his training exercise with Josh was a complete failure, if you'll recall.  He tried to trip his own father, called him names...all the worst things he does.  Well, I stepped in.  Saturday, Grant and I did a little pre-training.  We stretched, and I talked about each stretch and how it can help us toward our goal, and how to do it to maximize these results.  Then - we walked.  We talked about which parts of running were benefited by aerobic walking.  We talked a little about circulation and heart rate, and a little about breathing.  And we walked.  We walked briskly, but stayed together.  We talked about pacing and how Grant's goal for his next 5k is to be more even in his pace.  And we talked about running. 

Me:  In a 5k, who are you competing against?
Grant: Myself.
Me:  Right. You want to see if you can do better, faster, or both.  Do the other runners have anything to do with that?
Grant: No.
Me:  That's right.  So what should your feelings for them be?
Grant:  Nothing.
Me:  I don't agree.  They are your companions.  They are your running friends.  You want them to make their goals, too, right?  So you should be helping them, right?  If you see someone who looks tired, what do you say?
Grant:  Keep going!
Me: RIGHT!

It's a start, but I see that I am going to have to be in charge of Grant's training.  Maybe it will be good for me...

I'm expecting that book in the mail any day now.  It was actually supposed to be here Saturday...

I am so afraid that it will show up, and not tell my anything I don't already know.  So, so afraid.  I have hanging all my hopes on help from without, since what I've been doing isn't enough.

This morning was rough, but hopefully we can still have a good day.

Uncertainty Again

Not gonna cry....


I worked Saturday, of course.  Then, we went to a surprise birthday party (my first ever) for one of my husband's co-workers.  It was a family event, and both kids did a wonderful job of playing nicely with the other kids - younger and older.  Here's the thing:  Abbie plays with all kids of whatever kind.  Grant plays well with  all girls, younger boys, and sometimes boys his own age, but not really with older male children.  I'll try not to speculate, since I am delicate this morning.

Sunday morning we cleaned, and then the kids came with me to meet new friends.  We met at the mall and had bubble tea and play time at the....what are those things really called?  We call it The Play Place.  Everyone did extremely well, and I went to bed thinking, "This is so much better than I had feared.  I don't have to be totally alone.  Book on the way.  Advice from new friends who really know about this stuff, and that makes total sense.  This unhappiness is just a temporary chapter in our life, and we are going to handle this, no problem."

I had nightmares all night.  I hear all the time about people dreaming of showing up to work or school naked.  Never had that one.  Or falling.  Never had that one, either.  My recurring stress dream is about school, though.  Often, I don't remember my class schedule, or I can't remember my locker combination and am, therefore, late.  Late to a recovering shy person is a BIG deal.  Why?  Because when you are late and walk in, EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AT YOU.  It's heart-stopping.

Last night was sort of a mutation of that dream, with evidence of my new frustrations mixed in.  Listen to this:  I go to class, but my teacher has been replaced with a new teacher.  She looks at the roster, and decides that I was never in that class to begin with.  I go to my locker to get my things, and of course I can't open it.  This time instead of representing lateness, it represents the inability to escape.  Then, because dreams are like that, it is open, and I am ashamed I couldn't do it by myself.  There is all my stuff, and I have to get it and go, but it won't fit in my bag, so I am carrying a lot of it in my arms.  I'm very conspicuous, and people are watching me in the hallways.  I go to the office to find out where I am supposed to be, and I can't get anyone's attention.  While I am waiting, I am thinking about all the work I've done for nothing.

End Dream.

This morning, we found random food in Abbie's lunch box.  Because of a concern for disease prevention, my kids' school has a policy that you only eat your own food.  Sharing is not allowed at lunch.  So, I had to email the school this morning to say that Abbie had been sharing food.

They are both getting sneaky, which I'm not sure how to handle.  And I can tell that one or both of them is running pretty much wild at school.  Please, please buy our house, someone.

Today I have an appointment with a realty person, but I was only told yesterday.  The house is in no fit state to be seen. 

Guess my time would be better spent attacking the messes.  Wishing you a decent Monday.  Next to research:  anxiety.  His, not mine.

Well, Don't I Feel Foolish

Well, Grant, not in one of his outbursts, said something particularly hurtful to me last night.  Possibly, he thought it was funny, but it doesn't really matter.  I was so upset by it that I burned dinner.  I haven't burned a thing in this house, except the time I bought the wrong sized pork roast for the recipe.  Doesn't work so well when you cook a 2 pound roast as long as you would a 5 pound roast.

Grant knew he had upset me.  I had sent him to his room for rudeness.  Then, when Josh came home and confronted him, he pretended to be surprised.  Then he said he couldn't remember what he said.  Then he said I had misheard him.  I pulled up Abbie, my witness, and made sure he knew that I wasn't falling for it.  I firmly believe in the consequences of one's actions.

So....the day after I'm wondering why people aren't believing him.....

*sigh*

It was a very rough night.

Today, I worked and the kids and husband cleaned.  One can finally walk in the basement.

When is that book going to get here...?

Update, as I dash off to work.

Hello!  Not my day off, so I shall have to leave in about 15 minutes, but wanted to give you an update.

The less-than-good news first:  Grant pitched a small fit in art because he forgot his pencil.  He recovered and got to work.  Then, he pitched another one because some kids who were done got to go outside and play, and he was not done.  These were both what I would call "Stage 1" fits.  According to the art teacher, he made the squished up face, whined, and started to cry a little both times, but didn't progress to the anger or lashing out that I am aware of.

Discovery (gifted program) is once a week, and it was yesterday.  Details were not provided, but the teacher says that he still talks about being "bullied" at school, but the teacher believes it is not true. 

1.  "Still?"  Meaning, this has happened before?  This is not what I've been told.  I was told that he was paranoid about whether kids liked him, but no one ever said, "bullied."
2.  This could be an interpretation of looks and body language that have negative undercurrents.  What is her basis for assuming it is false?  He is pretty smart, and might not rely solely on actions and words.
3.  His behavior this year has been such that he has probably earned disapproval from other kids.  Why, as a GIFTED teacher, isn't she teaching him how to prevent the original problems, or how to make reparations when he fails, or how to have more open relationships with his classmates?  This ostrich approach is doing nothing for me.
4.  Not to beat a dead horse, but why have we decided not to believe my son?

But on to the good news!

I ordered the book, and it is on its way.  I look forward to a future where I can share SOLUTIONS with you all. 

YAY!

Two Steps Back

Library not only does NOT have the book, no affiliated library has the book.  Reserving/requesting it would be utterly pointless. 

Figures.

And it wasn't at the book store, so...

Should I buy the book online?  Husband really doesn't want me to, but the title just seems so exactly what I need.  To tell you the truth, I'm a little afraid of encountering my husband's usual response, which would be, "Well, you can, if you really want to...but it will be one of your Christmas presents."  Which always makes me feel like I'm a kid being warned against bad choices.  But this book isn't for ME.  And it goes in the NEED category, not the WANT category.  Seriously, Friends.  I can think of many, many more enjoyable ways to spend book money.  It's practically my specialty.  I guess we will start with finding out how much the book costs.

Okay.  We are looking at 12-16 dollars.  I'm not opposed to buying it used.  I think I will try that, after consulting the husband guy.

In other news, Grant was mad at some boys in gym yesterday, and vented his frustration by pushing some girls. 

What I said, "Grant, that was not a good idea.  You can't take your frustrations out on people.  Those girls won't understand why you are pushing them.  If you keep that sort of thing up, they are likely to just think you are mean.  Try something different next time."

Not very good, is it?  I'm sort of waiting to read the book before I suggest the "something else".  Probably a bad plan.  But that was when I still had hopes of getting hold of the book today.  :(

Also, Abbie got in trouble again, for not paying attention.  Again.

*sigh*

Funny Abbie story:  Abbie has been given one of those bookmark coupons for Dairy Queen.  If you write down titles of a certain number of books that you have read, you get a free treat.  She was reading a giant hardback collection of the Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder.  When she got the bookmark, she suddenly switched to reading a little Candy Fairies book. 

In a way, it was another one of her manipulations.  I almost didn't allow it.  However, another of her problems is not finishing things she starts, such as books.  I've decided to reserve judgment.

Finding My Feet

Know what I love?  Books.  The kind made of paper.

I am currently in search of this one:  Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students:  Helping Kids Cope with Explosive Feelings, by Christine Fonseca. 

We were at V-Stock today, and I actually got the nerve up to ask for it.  My plan was to buy a cheap, used copy, read and understand it, then donate it to the gifted program in my kids' school district.  They seem to need it.  It wasn't at V-Stock, though, so I'm back to my original plan of appealing to my dismally inferior local library.

I did come home with Passage to India and a P.D. James book that my grandmother wants me to read.  I love bookstores! 

Finally allowed bits and pieces of my troubles to leak out amongst a group of friends this morning.  (Translation:  I burst into tears and explanations were required.)  It was not as bad as I had thought.  I might even have some true "army" support.

My husband was angry with Grant when all of this started coming up.  Then, when I started doing research (and thought to check about gifted kids) and found a probable source of the problem, he wasn't worried anymore.  A.  I had found an answer, and B. being smart is fine.  Nothing wrong with that.

Uh...tell that to the school.

It was another week and a half before I brought up the subject again.  I don't like feeling like the only one trying to fix things!  His kid, too, you know!  His response was that I had it under control and he didn't need to do anything. (You know, like support me, or listen to my concerns and ideas, etc.)  Let's just say I set him straight on that one.  So, now he doesn't think like that, but the result isn't any different.  He was late coming home every night this week except Friday. 

Still can't talk to Mom.  She knows both kids are in the gifted program, but doesn't know that the counselor is involved, or the severity of the school problems, or that I've been miserable with worry.  That's the thing.  I don't want to share that.  She had her own gifted kids, and I know she has a few regrets about how it all ended up.  I don't want her to have to think about that all over again, and how could she not be reminded of it, under the circumstances?

But - even the lack of family behind me is not as bad as it was a few days ago.  I am deciding to not allow this to get the better of us.  Plus, it always helps to have a plan.

In other news, we have put our house for sale.  My plan is to be the counselor myself, to help my son cope with the world as it is, to be totally victorious, and then to take my gifted children and their test scores and LEAVE.

Possibly not all aspects of that plan can be realized.  And it does seem a little vengeful for me...

But, like I said, it helps to have a plan.

How It Came Up

I'm not sure how I want to tackle the subject of "What Happened to Bring Me Here".  For today, I think I will rely on some of my own correspondence.  I haven't really been able to tell anyone about it.  Then, one day I just unloaded on a poor, unsuspecting friend who lives abroad.  This is, at least, most of the story:

"School started in August.  I started working there the second day of school.  I introduced myself to both of my kids teachers, and told them to stop me in the halls or find me in some way if there was anything that needed my attention.  My assignments was for 2 months.  Parent teacher conferences were about 2-3 weeks after that.  The gym coach (nice guy) had told me a few times about Grant having issues in gym, but he was sure it was stuff that would work itself out with time.  But he told me anyway.  The morning of parent teacher conferences, I was asked to come in a little early.  I had no idea what it was about.  In fact, I was hoping they were going to offer me more work.  It was about Grant.  The principal had a whole panel in the conference room.  All these teachers, including his classroom teacher, told me that Grant was having troubles almost daily, and that recently he had pushed someone out of anger.  When he was told of his punishment and that it was early and he could still, "have a good day," he said that he never had a good day.  That's red flag stuff, you know, so they called me in.

This is how I found out that my son cried in class every day for the first two weeks of school, and no one thought it was important enough to tell me.  This is how I found out that he is somewhat paranoid about the other kids' feelings for him.  This is how I found out that for weeks he had been distancing himself from the other kids.  This is how I found out that, no matter what he tells me when he comes home at the end of the day, my son is unhappy at school.

Here's the part I don't like talking about.  Grant is gifted.  Not just gifted.  When he took the test for the gifted program, he was in the 99 percentile, nation wide.  I HATE saying that.  Being told that you have a gifted child (especially one deemed "highly gifted") is just as life altering as being told that your child has autism, only there's no group out there crusading for you.  No one, and I mean NO ONE feels the slightest amount of pity, unless they are the family of gifted kids, too.  And there are none out here in Warrenton.  It's like trying to get pity by saying, "DAMN it!  My stay-at-home-gourmet chef supermodel wife did all my ironing on Wednesday instead of Thursday and I had to wear a shirt that was merely dryer fresh!  WHAT THE HELL!?!?" 


The Discovery teacher was one of the ones called in for the meeting.  She says that Grant is the main discipline problem in the class, and it's only gotten worse now that Abbie is there, too.  He's bossy, but also short tempered and whiny.  No one in the school cared much about that all year, but now he has also started to have emotional outbursts.  They care about that."  

FYI:  The sort of emotional outburst I'm referring to when I speak of my son is like this - He squirms, squishes his face up, uses a whiny voice and face, and then becomes angry.  I've never been around when he says horrible things (not profanity, but threats, sometimes about killing), but lashing out verbally and physically is the next step.  He trips people, kicks, pushes, and hits in a sneaky, underhand kind of way, accuses people of cheating, etc.  He has done this in the recent past to my husband.  He has never done anything like it in my direct presence. 

"At the end of the meeting, I asked Grant's classroom teacher to please write me an email anytime Grant was having a bad day. The other thing that was decided, and I agreed to it, was that the school counselor would see him once a week for an undetermined number of weeks. 

I've had no emails from the teacher.  However, last week I did get calls from the principal and from the Discovery teacher about Grant.  Plus, Friday, there was another red flag incident.  It is reported that he said something so bad to another kid that there is now talk of sending Grant to a professional.  The worst part is that it was only one kid telling the story.  I have asked the school to get another witness to confirm or deny what Grant said, so I can make this very hard decision based on a fact, and not a rumor.

I started doing Internet research on highly gifted children, and I am slightly less hysterical than I was.  He is in the normal range.  Even violence is not uncommon for highly gifted children who are "frustrated", and the things that frustrate them are not what one would expect:  imperfection of their own work, something they can't immediately succeed in, not understanding something - already knew about those ones.  But highly gifted children get frustrated when the actions or reactions of their peers aren't what the child predicted they would be.  And who can predict the actions of kids?!?!?  So....that explains a lot.  Now I have to keep reading to know how to fix it, and whether I still need outside help.  Getting cooperation from his educators would be a start."

This is definitely the short version.  Plus, it doesn't really give you much of an idea of the impact it had on me.  However, as for Grant, I've been presenting it in a very particular way.  He has been told:  1.  Some of his recent actions/reactions have been brought to my attention by the school.  2.  Although what he is feeling is normal, he needs to work on what he does about feeling that way, because losing control is not acceptable.  I've never used the word "gifted" to him.  I've never said anything about his being "different".  I've just continued my normal parenting, which relies heavily on reason.  When I say that, I mean it in both ways:  my responses are reasonable,and full of advice, and I always give a reason for an expectation, and a reason for the natural consequences.

Part of me thinks that the reason I was blindsided by this, is that I already am what Grant needs from a parent.  Then, when he didn't have similar reactions from the adults at school, he started having the frustration that he could have experienced all along.

Probably, that should make me feel better about what kind of a parent I have been.

It doesn't.  I feel awful.  I feel responsible.  I feel inadequate.  I feel like I'm being eaten from the inside.

I owe it to him to research this, to find the right answers, and to present the information to his school, and especially to the gifted teacher, who, by all rights, ought to be presenting it to me.

This is a picture of my children when we were all still at home together:

Allow me to introduce myself.

I was a kid in the 80's, when all the after school shows specialized in types.  But I wasn't the glamorous popular girl.  And I wasn't the brainy straight A student.  And I wasn't the sweet churchgoer.  And I wasn't the wild and crazy quirky friend.  And I wasn't the wealthy but evil girl.

Probably, it should be the relief of my life that I defy description.  Or at least description in 3 words or less.  It isn't, though.  It has always upset me that I didn't have that sort of ice breaker.  That I couldn't look out there, point, and say, "Ah, yes.  Those are my people."

So.  Even though it takes longer, I will have to explain myself a little, before I introduce the other main characters.

1.  My parents are both very educated.  My father is a pharmacist.  My mother has a P.H.D.
2.  I grew up in a University town - an Engineering University town.
3.  My grades were mediocre.  Few people probably suspect that my intelligence was tested at a point in late childhood, and that I am an equal of my brother.
4.  My brother is gifted.  He looked gifted.  He acted gifted.  He was in the gifted program at school. 
5.  That program would not accept me as well, despite the testing.
6.  I never minded.  I was not scholastically ambitious. 

*And a brief intro of other main characters*

7.  My husband is a smart guy.  But that's all.  (Well, he's nice and stuff, but we're talking about degrees of intelligence right now.)
8.  We've never had money.  We scrape by.
9.  I STAYED HOME WITH MY CHILDREN ANYWAY.
10.  My children never had any sort of glaring problems until they were in school.
11.  Our school is inadequate.  (This is not a below the belt blow.  We were ordered to restructure by the state when our test scores were abysmal.)
12.  Both of my children are in the gifted program.
13.  Both of my children are experiencing behavioral problems of different types.

*sigh*  Thirteen.  The unlucky number.

On my days off, I plan to write in this blog about what is happening with my children.  I will start with how what I thought of as a flattering label became the most upsetting thing I've encountered in years, and then I will let you know what I find in my research, which is ongoing.

And please comment, if you'd like.  What I mean is, don't comment if you have something you would like to advertise, or if you want to be critical of me, since I'm not sure I'm tough enough right now.  But I sure would like to be able to point and say, "Ah.  Those are my people."

To Be Continued.