Defeat Hurts.

* I just left a message for a therapist to call me.

*  October:  Grant has his first male teacher.  He's a great guy.  He is nerdy, and sweet, and likable, and not super tall (kid friendly feature).  I'm fond of him.  So is Grant.  Parent-Teacher Conferences (the stuff of my nightmares) happened just before this teacher went on Paternity leave.  It was he who told me that Grant had problems in his before school care.  "I see him out in the hall sometimes, and I just wish there was something I could do."  He is now familiar with Grant's moodiness, and has a great handle on it.  Well.  Had.  He has been gone for leave.  I think he is actually back today or tomorrow.  First, I got called in to talk to the before school care employees.  Sports related aggression, wild speech while under pressure, gnashing of teeth and angry cry/yelling.  Not good.  But better than the next call, which was about Grant kicking and head butting a girl at recess over a football.  Grant was given In School Suspension.  I also had him write a letter of apology to the girl.

*This Week:  Yesterday I got a call at lunch because Grant was screaming and screaming over not being able to play ball at recess.  I actually spoke to him and calmed him down.  He was upset (WHY?  Why is it so important to play THAT game?) and yelled a lot, and got in trouble.  "You were outside, Grant.  When you knew you were getting upset, why didn't you run a few laps?  You like running, it's good for you, it doesn't hurt anyone, and it helps you calm down."  He said he hadn't thought of it, but would try that.  But that's not exactly what he did.  Not 2 hours later, he did run....from the teachers when they told him he had to stay in at recess for his earlier transgression.  I was humiliated that I was called at work twice, but mostly I was furious that I couldn't go home after work, so I called.  Josh and Grant were fighting.  I spoke to Grant again, and calmed him down again. His day was miserable start to finish.  Well, except the very, very last thing.  He woke up when I cam home.  I tucked him in and gave him a hug.  We both needed it.

This morning I all but begged him for a good day.  No calls from the school.  Actually, the school said they were going to make a plan for him today.  I assumed that involved a call or email to me, but maybe I was wrong...

I don't think I've gotten into a good communication cycle with the new school.  I want them to know that I will not defend Grant, or try to claim that he is innocent.  At the same time, though, I don't like that they imply that I am mentally helpless.

I'm even starting to feel that way.

I've cried lots lately, and last night I just decided that I am focusing on what I want.  What I want, as I mentioned in my last post, is to talk to someone who knows.  Someone who has seen it lots.  I want to have a conversation.  When all of this started up, I contacted the new gifted teacher,  I asked for resources.  She gave me a list of authors, a list of web sites, and a name.  The only therapeutic counselor in the area who specializes in gifted youths.  Is it out of my price range?  Yes.  Do I have a medical referral?  No.  Do I know that this will help?  No.  Am I clinging to the idea desperately, gasping for breath with tears burning my eyes?  Yes.  Please, please, please.  Someone help us.  I'm terrified.  The school is scary, and I don't know how to take their urging that I go to Youth In Need.

Do I secretly think that what my son needs is me?

YES!!!!!!!

I was so hoping so that we would leave this behind us in the old school.  Finding that it has grown is painful.  And the worst thing I ever hear:  "It's not the first time."

Then why is it the first time you are calling me?

Anyway.  Something is needed.  I will let you know how it ends.